Previously on Rizzoli & Isles: Korsak announces his retirement. Jane test drives her beard. Maura cries into her wine. We join her.

Well, my friends, this is it. We’ve arrived at the end. We’ve spent seven sometimes-thrilling, sometimes-frustrating, always-hopeful years together watching television’s most totally gay not-gay show. And now, we have reached the end of our journey. With that let us once more into the subtext breach, my friends.

So this is new. One-hundred-and-five episodes in and this show can still somehow surprise us. Instead of opening with a grisly/bizarre/violent/disgusting murder, the show opens with Maura and Jane reminiscing about all the grisly/bizarre/violent/disgusting murders they’ve worked on together. Maura is making a Faces of Death scrapbook for her girlfriend, which I guess is how medical examiners do grand romantic gestures.

They get into it, bringing up some of their greatest hits like the sex party and the Revolutionary War reenactment and the high school reunion where they ended up arresting Dana Fairbanks. Ah, memories. Maura says she is going to miss Jane, which requires no subtextdar to see is true. Jane tells her she’s not gone yet. And then they give us one last synchronized “Rizzoli” and “Isles” phone greeting before heading off on their last case.

The corpse of the week is a bloated, bald dude tied to bed in nothing but red satin boxers. Well, if you wanted to ensure neither Maura or Jane felt attracted to the opposite sex anymore – this would be the way to do it. Thanks, show, for reaffirming my homosexuality. A photo on the dresser indicates he is also opposite-sex married, but his wife and her suitcase are missing.

Jane makes a crack about Maura going on the lam with plenty of clean underwear – Maura pretends that would be the case. But we all know she’d go commando, especially if she was Thelma & Louise-ing it with Jane. The victim was decapitated, with his head still attached. It’s an orthopedic decapitation also known as an “Atlanto-Occipital Dislocation.” Ah, how I will not miss Googling the spelling of the crazy medical terms uttered by Dr. Maura Isles.

Jane wonders whether Atlantis-Occupied Locomotion can happen in a weird sex game and Maura says she can’t say. That’s mostly because they’ve never tried that particular game together, and Maura believes firmly in the scientific testing method. But this being the end and all, Jane coerces her into giving just one little guess. The way Maura folds, you know she is secretly extremely used to giving into Jane’s begging.

Outside Frankie is interviewing the neighbors. The local busybody is giving him helpful/unhelpful information when her son walks up. Holy jazz hands, it’s bully-turned- sensitive-boyfriend Dave Karofsky. Just when you thought this show couldn’t possibly get any gayer, they Glee it up.

Jane arrives at The Dirty Robber because Mama Rizzoli has something “important” to give her. No, it isn’t the dog-eared copy of “Fried Green Tomatoes at the Whistle Stop Café” that Mama R used to finally understand what an LBFF relationship really means, complete with her personalized inscription to Jane reading: “Go be with your Ruth.” Instead it’s a leopard-print suitcase.

Mama R says, “It reminded me of you.” I’m going to assume this is because of all of the bad guys Jane has chased down in her life and not that she gives off a sexy mom who shops at Chico’s vibe. Also, sometimes a mother’s gift isn’t really a gift, but a gentle guilt bomb meant to make one’s adult children feel terrible about their life decisions. So in this case, make that a guilt bomb in leopard print.

Speaking of terrible life decisions, Kent has somehow turned even weirder and creepier. He is sneaking around and stalking/recording people without their permission – which I think is probably illegal. He catches Nina and Frankie talking about their engagement and instead of immediately erasing the tape he keeps it ensuring this is the horrible way everyone is going to find out they’re getting married.

The post “Rizzoli & Isles” Subtext Recap (7.13): We’ll Always Have Paris appeared first on AfterEllen.

Sometimes this show makes my life hard. Sometimes this show makes my life easy. This week this show made my life ridiculously easy. Hell, it was like a vacation to Subtext Island. You know the place, separated only by Sweeps Week Isle from Lesbos proper. I just punched my ticket and sipped pina coladas through this whole recap. Metaphorically.

Right, so on with the action. Maura is with Jane at the doctor’s office because I always take my best friend with me to see the OBGYN. Don’t you? Jane is in one of those hospital gowns guaranteed to show off your ass because people who go through four years of undergraduate work, four years of medical training and then three years of postgraduate residency have a sick sense of humor about what the universe owes them.

Maura is in the examination room, helping Jane fill out her new patient information forms. You know, like any married couple. She runs through the important medical questions: Has Jane ever had chicken pox? Deep vein thrombosis? Chlamydia? Wait, Maura, honey, you’re a doctor — I know you already asked Jane already about her STD history before starting a sexual relationship.

Jane is annoyed, because Jane is always annoyed. But it’s her fault this time because she insisted on going to a new OBGYN far away from her house to avoid detection. She doesn’t want Col. Beard Force to find out via neighborhood gossip. Maura asks if she is having second thoughts about marrying him, but Jane is like, “Please, you know we’re gay, right?”

But, like a good closeted gay, Jane insists on keeping her pregnancy a secret for a while longer. She doesn’t want anyone but Maura to know. Maura’s eyes get big because she knows she has already fallen to the power of the mother-in-law guilt. As the new doctor walks in, Maura runs out saying, “She already knows, don’t kill me, I love you, I’ll be in the car.”

The examination over, Jane and Maura head back to the office, the latter filled with apologies. She didn’t exactly tell her. Mama Rizzoli just knew. She is sorry. Please don’t withhold sex. You know, normal girlfriend awkward familial relations negotiations. But Jane can’t be too mad. She knows Mama R’s tricks. In fact, she demonstrates them for Maura. Naturally, this involves grabbing her hand. Those gals will use any excuse to sneak in some Totally Gratuitous, Totally Gay Touching.

See, this is all a shtick Mama R does to weasel the truth out of someone. The Latin, the psychic grandmother, the palm reading. Lies! Scurrilous, well-practiced lies! Maura notes both Rizzoli women’s uncanny ability to get people to confess. Jane wonders if it’s a veiled reference to her future parenting style. Maura’s like, “Sweetie, darling—we all know you’re going to be bad cop already.” And they share some quickie eye sex because once the baby comes there’ll be precious little time for such shenanigans.

So now it’s time to deal with Mama R. They have a classic mother-daughter Abbott-Costello stand off. Who is on first? What? No, What is on second base? Who? No, What? And repeat. Finally Jane tells her to give it up because she talked with Maura. Mama R’s response is some sounds only dogs can hear. Jane tolerates the squeals and hugs because she knows an unhappy mother means an unhappy Maura. I mean, her mom lives with her girlfriend. And you thought your in-law situation was confusing.

Jane tells her to not even go there with the Casey stuff. And lesbian fandom says in unison, “Hallelujah!” She also tells Mama R to not tell anyone else. Jane doesn’t want the department to find out and stick her on desk duty. We don’t either, there’s so much less call for the Ponytail of Righteous Justice when just filing cases. But, we all know Mama R is destined to fail with at least one of these commands. So I’d really rather it be the latter. Sorry, Jane.

Duty calls, and Jane gives her mom one last “I’m serious, don’t be such a mom”-look and then leaves. Once there, Jane is walking and Maura is hobbling her way to the crime scene. Maura is getting her field boots resoled, so instead she is wearing stilettos into the rocky, muddy, bumpy field. Not to get all Det. Jane Rizzoli, but really, Maura? Really? Jane can do little more than guffaw at her fashion-forward girlfriend and offer her a gallant arm. Tell me that doesn’t look like they’re about to be crowned King and Queen of the Police Ball.

After leaving her chivalrous escort, Maura goes to examine the body. A man has been shot and covered in what appears to be strawberry jam. Oh, wait, sorry, that’s blood. Don’t judge me, I’m hungry. Frankie pops up and says he has found a fresh grave. Jane trips a little on her way over and Frankie steadies her. Jane does not like this development because, duh, chivalry is her thing.

The crime remains a riddle wrapped in an enigma, but luckily Senior Criminalist Susie Chang is on the case. Aw, I’m sure happy to see her again even though she’s the biggest Captain Crotchblock on the show. I am also happy to learn more things about her. Like she is also an artist and studied in Paris for a year before medical school. Criminalist, nudist, artist — yep, that Susie is an interesting gal.

Since we’re all sharing, Korsak reveals he cut an album before he became a cop. Remember last season when we learned Bruce McGill can play guitar beautifully? Oh, the sweet sound of continuity. I like it when the actors’ real personalities seep onto the screen. Speaking of real personalities, Jane walks into the lab to find Maura standing on a ball. Yes, viewing audience, Dr. Maura Isles is standing on a blue ball. I can’t even make that up. That is what is happening. It’s like this show can’t even help itself.

It’s not lost on Jane either, who notes with disgust (or is it respect?), “You’re standing on balls.” Whoa, whoa, whoa — no need to perpetuate the man-hating lesbian stereotype, show. (Just kidding, stand on all the balls you want, Maura.)

Jane tells her girlfriend she has a very simple fix to her foot problems, “Stop wearing high heels.” Spoken like such a butch. Then Maura says something about “knobby balls” and Jane makes that face every lesbian makes when confronted with too much talk of balls, knobby or otherwise.

Maura then babbles on about Jane incorporating elements of Chinese medicine in her health care now that they’re having a baby. Jane thinks about it for two seconds before saying, “No.” Maura smiles and ever the patient, long-suffering girlfriend compliments Jane on “keeping an open mind.”

Then interesting forensics and intriguing evidence happens and I’m getting confused. Then Korsak mentions his life coach again, that’s the third mention in three episodes, and I’m even more confused. I haven’t guessed the killer in the first five minutes and there’s consistent continuity. Am I watching the right show?

Frankie and Jane go to discuss the case over a cup of coffee. Little Rizzoli eagerly offers to buy her a cup. Makes sure it’s decaf. Offers her a chair. Yep, Frankie knows. Mama R told because she was strictly following Jane’s instructions not to tell anyone. Frankie, you see, isn’t just “anyone” — hence the loophole.

Jane decides threats are the only way to go to get her mom to keep her secret. She’ll name the baby after Mama R’s “El Diablo” cousin Constantina — boy or a girl. Aw, defying the gender binary already. Atta girl, Jane. To prove this is no idle threat and she intends to embrace the gender spectrum instead, Jane leaves with an extra sassy stare down. Folks are already standing on balls, let’s just go ahead and smash the damn patriarchy all to pieces up in this joint. Word.

Frankie and Korsak go to follow a lead and eat some Reubens. Frankie wonders why it’s called corned beef and, goodness, isn’t he so much more likeable now that he’s no longer making googly eyes at Maura? Also, Francesco Jr., it’s called corned beef because of the large rock salt, or corns of salt, used to cure it.

Back in the office, Korsak tells Jane there’s something they need to talk about. No, it’s not the bun in her lady oven. It’s a file with replacements for Frost. Ooof. Sudden gut kick, accomplished. Jane says it is too soon. Korsak thinks it is too soon. But orders are orders. And Korsak wants Jane to have some say in the choice. I’m just so impressed with how they are handling this right now. It was a terrible situation, but they’ve done the best they can. And it has been respectful, ongoing and deeply felt. Jane puts the file in her desk and the camera lingers on Frost’s action figure. The sentinel still stands, as it should.

Jane and Maura are talking over the replacement news outside. Maura is offering comforting TGTGT shoulder rubs. I’m trying to figure out where they are. It’s not outside the police station. Or Jane’s place. Or Maura’s place. Then Tommy emerges and we realize, it’s outside one of his AA meetings. They want to take him out to dinner and tell him about Jane’s pregnancy—together. Makes sense, that’s what couples do. They tell their families together.

Tommy already knows, of course—Mama R and her loopholes. He has also blabbed it to his friends in AA, but it’s OK because everything is anonymous there. It’s in the name, people. Jane is less than thrilled, but Maura is ecstatic. Also, she sees this as a perfect opportunity to pump Tommy for parenting advice. See, Maura is going to be such a good mother to little Baby Rizzoli-Isles. And, as you might expect, she is already taking serious notes for her future co-parenting duties about baby furniture assembly and the importance of Swedish dictionaries.

True to form, the next morning Maura reprimands Jane when she finds her about to scarf down some delicious snack pack cupcake. (It’s Hostess, by the way—I know my chocolatey treats.) She demands Jane surrender the yummy goodness and promptly reads off its less-than-appetizing ingredients. Stuff found in rocks, stuff found in soap, stuff found in latex paint. Maura unceremoniously dumps them in the garbage, which I an only assume means Hostess wouldn’t pay for a sponsorship. Well, that and she is a totally good girlfriend and just looking out for the health of her lady and their baby.

On the way to another crime scene, Jane and Maura are still talking about the cupcake. Jane says it wasn’t a hostile act, but Maura having none of it says, “Our baby is not coming out with three eyes and cloven feet because you’ve been eating processed crap.” Please, that was the essence of her complaint and you know it.

Though once they arrive at the body, I don’t think anyone feels like eating anything — processed or organic. Um, I sincerely hope you weren’t eating spaghetti while watching this episode.

In the office, Frankie is busy being Frost and running database and image searches to find out more about their victims. The men were all unemployed and looking for work. They had answered online ads offering a job on a farm. Though with a photo posted on all of the ads they narrow it down to a specific place in western Ohio. While they explain the geographic triangulation fairly believably, we all know it was probably just the Magical Mystery Enhance button installed on all TV computers.

Korsak heads down to the autopsy room where Maura and Susie are examining the newest victim’s skull. Alas, poor Yorick. Maura helps Korsak narrow down his search with a little off-the-books forensic psychology. Seriously, can you believe we’re this far in and no one has any idea whodunit? Not to get all Vizzini on this situation, but inconceivable!

But, confounding as this case is, Jane isn’t thinking about whodunit right now. She’s thinking about how to tell Beard Force. Maura comes in, sensing something is wrong. Jane is like, “We finally got this beard thing over with. We were free. Everything was great. Then, boom, pregnant lesbian storyline.”

So Jane is bracing herself for The Talk with Casey. When in doubt, go with, “I’m pregnant. Can you pass the turnips?” Maura calls right before the dreaded Skype session. She checks to see if Jane wrote down notes to direct the conversation in a focused way because she’s Maura and she’s adorable. Then the call comes in and the camera pans out. Thank God Chris Vance got The Transporter series. I mean it. Think of what might have happened if he was still fully available. *shudder*

The next morning Jane is at Maura’s. Do I even need to keep typing that? It’s basically a given at this point. Maura wants to know how it went with Beard Force. I can only assume they spent the night, um, snuggling instead of talking. Jane says it went “fine,” and Maura is like, “Oh no, we are processing this thing out like good lesbians. Talk.”

Just when Jane is starting to open up about her insecurities and fears about becoming a mom, her mom walks in. Geez, don’t you know the lesbian processing space is sacred and should not be interrupted under any circumstances? Don’t make me dub you General Crotchblock, woman. Still Mama R tells her fear is natural and good because kids are a big pain in the ass, but worth it. Or something. I wouldn’t know—I have cats.

Maura then tries to pump Mama R for all the problems Jane caused her as a kid. Pumping the mother-in-law for dirt. Classic girlfriend move is classic.

The team tracks the leads to the son of the former farm owner. He’s a middle-aged white guy with a gray ponytail. A waitress at a café where he met a potential victim sums it up perfectly: “Looks ridiculous on an old guy like him.” Throwing shade at all ponytails that are not the Ponytail of Righteous Justice? I like it.

When they get back to the office, Jane decides it’s time to tell another just anyone in her life and let’s Korsak know she is pregnant. He congratulates her and tells her he’s honored to be included in the chosen few who she has told. I have to say, I really like what they’ve been doing with Vince lately. He has become the kindest soul on this show. And, Kiki is right, I like his suits.

But the moment is broken up by Frankie, who tells them they’ve found the truck the ponytailed suspect was driving. Crime waits for no warm and fuzzy moments, people. The team arrives on scene, Jane with her Ponytail of Righteous Justice, just to show him how it’s really done. The officer who pulled him over has been shot in the leg, so the detectives fan out. Chasing a crazy potential serial killer with midlife crisis hair with a firearm? What could go wrong?

He fires at Jane, she runs after him, then she full on Superwoman leaps into the air and shoots him. All that is missing is her cape.

The suspect is dead, but Jane also landed with a thud. Frankie runs over. Is she hit? Is she hurt? Is the baby alright? Fine, I’ll admit, I don’t care quite as much about the baby. Hey, I told you I have cats. Luckily, everything is fine. She got the wind knocked out of her (though, having done that a few times, man that hurts). Everything is still intact.

Case solved, baddie deceased, it’s time finally time for our Big Gayzzoli Ending. What will it be? Eye Sex? TGTGT? Kisses? Nope, High Heel Yoga. Jane and Maura head to a class, with high heels in hand. But then Jane and Maura proceed to get ready in front of a shelf filled with other students’ heels, which have been left outside the classroom. So now I’m confused. Do you wear the heels in class? Or do you just bring them for decoration?

Jane is trying to be healthy, for Maura. As always. But she is also confused about the class? Is it really healthy, or is it just a way to model fabulous pumps? Jane decides it’s the latter. And then Det. Jane Rizzoli leaves and Angie Harmon enters the scene. She tries on a pair of the shoes and prances around in them for a bit.

Sasha Alexander laughs, but then she asks Jane to come back. Maura wants to ask her what she is really doing there with her. And then, finally, Jane admits it is because she wants Maura to raise the baby with her. Yes, really. Verbatim:

Jane: I realized I have to let you help me with this baby…. I can’t do this alone, Maura.

Jane and Maura decide to make a break for it and get a burger instead. See, that’s what makes these two so great—the push and the pull. Jane will eat a kale salad for Maura, Maura will skip out of yoga for a burger with Jane. Of course, she suggests a quinoa burger. Or teases her with a toe burger. And then they click their heels and live happily ever after. Yep, this week was a piece of cake.

Holy moly, all the Gayzzoli. If there’s one thing we all agreed on, it’s that Jane and Maura are gonna make great parents. Your so very #Gayzzoli tweets of the week. — Kate (@chemkate) July 2, 2014

Maura acting like such a concerned mother of Jane’s baby #vomittingrainbows #RizzoliandIsles #gayzzoli

– mrs. shermz (@RizzlesCalzona) July 2, 2014

#gayzzoli Maura swoops in to make sure her pregnant wife is having a nutritious breakfast bc GAYYYYYY.

– Katherine Dembinski (@khayters) July 2, 2014

Is Maura the best wife ever or what? Even her nag is fantastic! #gayzzoli #RizzoliandIsles

– Michelle Scott (@mscott2012) July 2, 2014

So when are Jane and Maura going to turn that yoga room into a nursery? #gayzzoli #rizzoliandisles

– KathyisWeird (@L_ArcEnCiel) July 2, 2014

GDI ANGELA. YOU JUST RUINED A BEAUTIFUL MOMENT BETWEEN THE TWO WIVES. I mean, best friends. #RizzoliandIsles #gayzzoli

– Jackie Ledezma (@JackieLedezma) July 2, 2014

It does take a village of lesbians to raise a baby… #gayzzoli

– Emily Archibald (@rudy0924) July 2, 2014

But what if this is the beginning of a fanfic becoming real? #becausetheyaresomarriedalready #gayzzoli #rizzles

– ley (@diswickdtongueS) July 2, 2014

Jane is raising her baby with Maura’s help on #RizzoliandIsles . This is the reason for the #Gayzzoli

– Angela G (@gpgurl50) July 2, 2014

#Gayzzoli is the best hashtag in existence.

– #gayzzoli (@Swanky_Pumpkins) July 2, 2014

The post “Rizzoli & Isles” Subtext Recap (5.03): Two mama drama appeared first on AfterEllen.

Welcome to the AfterEllen Femslash Madness Tournament! Last week we asked you to nominate couples to compete in our third annual fandom bloodbath celebration of the non-canon pairings that keep Tumblr and AO3 spinning, and now it’s time to open the voting! But first, we’ve made two big changes to this year’s tournament: 1) We are super pleased to announce that we’ve updated our voting system to require captchas every time you vote. In addition, we’ve enabled IP adress and cookie blocking. Those three things combined should completely eliminate the troubles we’ve had with botting in the past.

But another bonus of our new system is the ability to ban specific IP addresses from voting in our polls at all, so if we get wind of any cheating, we’re going to drop the hammer. 2) Because non-canon pairings have become more popular than ever, and because the nature of lady/lady relationships on TV is evolving with the times, we decided that this year we would only allow non-canon couples who have never hooked up in any way on-screen at all ever. So, no Xena and Gabby, no Bo and Tamsin, no Alison and Emily.

In the wise words of Monica Geller, rules help control the fun! As always, you are allowed to vote once per hour between now noon on Saturday, July 26. Then you get a day off to rest and recuperate before round two opens up next Monday. You’ll find the full brackets for the tournament below.

Match-Up #1: Jane/Maura vs. Buffy/Faith

Match-Up #2: Cristina/Meredith vs. Tori/Jade

Match-Up #3: Emma/Regina vs. Cordelia/Misty

Match-Up #4: Caroline/Max vs. Felicity/Sarah

Match-Up #5: Spencer/Aria vs. Jessica/Adilyn

Match-Up #6: Emily/JJ vs. Cara/Kahlan

Match-Up #7: Peppermint Patty/Marcie vs. Pepe/Tippi

Match-Up #8: Katniss/Johanna vs. Betty/Gladys

Match-Up #9: Shay/Dawson vs. Becca/Chloe

Match-Up #10: Ruby/Belle vs. Sansa/Margaery

Match-Up #11: Elphaba/Glinda vs. Emily/Hanna

Match-Up #12: Myka/HG vs. Quinn/Rachel

Match-Up #13: Skye/Jemma vs. Daenerys/Missandei

Match-Up #14: Watson/Moriarty vs. Spencer/Paige

Match-Up #15: Marceline/Princess Bubblegum vs. Stahma/Amanda

Match-Up #16: Janeway/Seven vs. Poussey/Vause

The post Vote Now! 2014 Femslash Madness Tournament – Round 1 appeared first on AfterEllen.

Tricksy tricksy, little show. Thinking you could kill The Gay by separating Jane and Maura. Pshaw. Nice try though. Even through Skype their chemistry pulses through the screen. So, throw in as many “obstacles” as you want, show. An operative from the Dollhouse. A medical examiners convention. Bring it. Nothing can stop the unstoppable subtext.

Speaking of The Gay, this lady in her sports bra hitting the bag? Let’s just say a grateful Lesbian Nation thanks you. But then right when we’re appreciating the ab and arm porn, something goes terribly awry. No, no — back to the hot tough boxing lady.

Alas, it couldn’t last. Instead some especially creepy guy (Yes, it’s always a guy. Man-Hating Lesbian Achievement, unlocked.) sneaks up on her from behind and brings her workout to a dead stop, literally. And then he stabs her a lot — like a lot, a lot — after the fact. Wow. This isn’t Thanksgiving dinner. Was all that carving really necessary? That was…graphic.

After that display we need a definite Gayzzoli palate cleanser. And leave it to our ladies to not disappoint. Maura is fussing over Jane like you fuss over your live-in girlfriend before you leave her alone to go on a solo work trip — because that’s exactly what is happening. She is counting out Jane’s pre-natal vitamins for her because love means making sure your baby is healthy so you can start your family.

Jane is doing what the staying-at-home girlfriend always does in these situations. She is protesting and saying she’ll be fine and it’s only going to be three days and not to fuss so much, GAWD. Maura threatens to break out the photos of the iron-deficient spleen again and Jane says, “Is there anything I can do that will help you get out the door?” Translation: I can’t wait to leave the dishes in the sink and wear the same boxer shorts and T-shirt around the house for three days straight.

Maura scoffs and tells Jane to take her Vitamins. Jane slowly realizes she will indeed be lost without Maura because the only vitamins she is familiar with are the ones with Fred Flintstone on the bottle. Also, she’ll be stuck with her mother — alone. It’s gonna be a long three days, Jane — admit it. And she does, to Maura, as she silently mouths “Take me with you” to her. See, no matter how good temporary bachelor living sounds, it’s never as good as having your lady home with you where she belongs.

Maura tells Jane there will be a fill-in M.E. and Susie. But most important of all she can call her anytime she needs, day or night. Yep, they’re totally gonna call each other and watch House Hunters together on late-night TV while criticizing the homeowners for whining about granite countertops.

Then Maura confesses what is really bothering her (besides leaving her pregnant girlfriend). It’s that this conference is at a casino with food by Wolfgang Puck and table magic by David Blaine. While the main entertainment at the convention she hosted (continuity!) was a drunken Dr. Popov.

But before Maura can leave to be serenaded by Andrea Bocelli, our gals get tandem calls and it’s “Rizzoli” and “Isles” time. Except it’s Rizzoli to the crime scene and Isles to her taxi. That seems so wrong. They should always leave in the same car together. Those are just like the rules of nature or something. Maura knows it too, and gives Jane a look like, “Soak it in. You won’t be checking this out again for three long days, honey.”

Jane arrives on the scene with Korsak. My brain is all, “But Maura should be there. This is their thing. How will they flirt over a dead body now?” Our sports bra victim is still very much murdered. Jane and Korsak go to talk to her husband, a dentist. OK, sorry, calling it right here. I saw Little Shop of Horrors. It’s always the dentist.

But he has a bicuspid-solid alibi: he was performing oral surgery on some poor old lady the whole time his wife was being murdered. Also, did he mention his wife used to be a lot heavier? In fact, only recently did she drop 100 pounds after joining an intense workout course called Tough Broad. Which made him worried, because she wasn’t used to receiving male attention before she lost the weight. And now, boom, dudes were falling all over themselves to see — and apparently kill – her. Double Man-Hating Lesbian Achievement, unlocked.

The dentist points them in direction of the handyman, Luis. Boy, he sure seems good for it. In fact, they found the murder weapon and wouldn’t you know he has his initials carved into its handle. Also, he has a long rap sheet — which includes an assault with a knife. And he packed a bag and fled. Hold on, is that a gift bow on his head? Yes, I believe it is.

Without Maura, Jane goes down to the M.E. lab a little lost. But she only sees Senior Criminalist Susie Chang. Then she gets nostalgic for her crotchblocking ways because at least Maura was there for it. But in the end, it’s just confusing for Jane because Susie’s appearance should mean an interruption of prime Totally Gratuitous, Totally Gay Touching or eye sex or dead body flirting. Something, anything.

To make herself feel better she plays her favorite game: Make The Scientist Guess. She goads Susie into guessing about how the stabbing happened. But ever the good disciple of Dr. Isles, Susie says she can’t. Jane tells her to stretch her wings, it’s her turn to shine. And Susie is like, “Nice try. Maura would never let you mix those metaphors.”

In a desperate move, Jane tries to even make friends with the furry backed fill-in medical examiner. Oh, sweetie, that is not the hair porn you were hoping to see. You can give a doctor some scrubs, but it won’t magically turn them into Maura.

Since there is less Dr. Maura Isles loveliness to fill the screen, it gives more time to delve into other characters. Which, actually is nice. Korsak has received a DVD from a young performer named Bobby, the grandson of an old friend. He will be playing his late grandfather’s music in Boston and wants Vince to join him on stage. But Vince says that lifetime for him is over. No, it doesn’t have to be. Get on a hit cable TV show and the producers will incorporate your love of music into the script.

Jane can’t wait any longer and has to see Maura. They have to talk about the case because she has made the rookie long-distance relationship mistake of Skype-ing while at the office. Maura, meanwhile, has stepped through a rip in the spacetime continuum and wound up in Animal House. In an attempt to be “Crazy Party” Maura, she has turned her hotel room into a hospitality suite with an open bar. Look for When Medical Examiners Go Wild to be on sleazy video store shelves soon.

But the reality of being “Crazy Party” Maura and the actuality of being “Crazy Party” Maura are too entirely different things. And the look on real Maura’s face says she would rather be watching Rehab Addict with Jane on the couch.

Jane gives her girlfriend some sympathy video-conferenced eye sex and tells her to be herself and not do anything she feels uncomfortable doing. But instead Maura yells over to one of her esteemed colleagues about the bar being dry that she’ll “Show you how to make a Dr. Pecker!” That by the way, is a real drink. Well, as long as that’s the only Pecker she is mixing with I’ll allow it.

What’s that smell? Is that…Red Herring? Frankie has tracked down the handyman. Run. Chase. Tackle. Once in interrogation he tells them he found the sports bra lady’s body when he went to the house to work. So he ran because he knew they wouldn’t believe he didn’t do it. But he is a changed man n…. Sorry, I was too bored to finish the sentence.

Jane goes to find Susie, because second best has to be good enough sometimes. She in turn is carrying a diorama she made of the crime scene. Susie, girl, you are in the wrong career. You need to be a professional creepy diorama maker. I’m sure there’s a market for that sort of thing. Sell them on eBay and make a mint. Just never meet any of the buyers in person.

Jane is similarly impressed, and you can tell is fighting the urge to play with the scene like a dollhouse. Wait, a diorama is like an elaborate dollhouse. Maura’s new “love interest” was on Dollhouse. Susie made a diorama to warn Jane. Oh my God, Maura is in trouble. SAVE MAURA.

Sorry, where were we. The case! The diorama shows that the sports bra lady couldn’t have been murdered by the handyman, because he is too tall for the angle of the stab wounds. Or something. I’m still distracted by Susie’s elaborate warning message to Jane about Jack/Victor. Jane even confirms that Susie uses the dioramas to illustrate things in her personal life. Message received — loud and clear.

Jane Skypes with Maura again to talk about the danger she is in. But luckily her brainwashed assassin operative/new “boyfriend” is nowhere in sight. Instead she has a group of people playing “Autopsy Jeopardy” and sipping tea. Oh yeah, now it’s a Maura Isles party.

Jane smiles because her girlfriend is adorable and also finally she isn’t forced to play “Autopsy Jeopardy” alone with Maura on a Friday night. Plus, isn’t it cute how excited Maura is to play it with new people?

We interrupt this program for a BEAUTIFUL TOYOTA commercial. This would be a good time to get a totally unsponsored snack. You know, having Jane drink a Blue Moon now and then is one thing. Having the actors talk about how “huge” the trunk space is in a Highlander is entirely another. Oy, we get it. You gave them money and want us to buy your junk. Get out of my stories.

Speaking of stories, we’re on to Red Herring No. 2. The founder of Tough Broad, who gave the victim lots of personalized attention. He doesn’t have an alibi, at least at first. So clearly he was giving the lady extra special personalized attention, right? Wrong. He does have an alibi and her name is a him. He’s gay. You should have seen Jane’s face. It was like, “Wait, people just say it out loud like that? In public and everything?”

Mr. Tough Broad points the finger back at the husband instead, saying he lost interest in his wife once she got fit. And instead he went to his cabin alone every weekend like a creepy dentist Ted Kaczynski. So they go to check out his cabin and find…melons?

Yep, leave it to the lesbian to find the big melons in any situation.

Jane brings her juicy melons back to Susie, which sounds like the beginning of some weird crackship fan-fic. But just when you think things are going to get steamy, a voice emerges from out of nowhere. Oh, yeah. This femslash just got crowded Jane gives the thumbs up and is totally into it. But Maura puts the kibosh on that threesome immediately. Boo-hiss, say all the lesbians.

Guess we’ll have to talk about the dumb old case then. Susie and Maura are pursuing a theory that the dentist was experimenting with bullets on the melons. So she is conducting a fruitopsy on Jane’s juicy melons. Too. Many. Jokes. Must. Lie. Down.

With Maura not around to pump for information, Mama R goes after Korsak instead. She is determined to find out why he doesn’t want to perform with Bobby. Turns out, he was in a duo with Bobby’s grandfather, Peter. And they almost had a record deal, too. But after their big night of being wined and dined by the A&R guy, Korsak let Peter walk home alone. And he fell on some train tracks and never woke up. And Korsak has felt guilty about it ever since.

Susie is back with another diorama. This one has two melons which I’m going to guess is some sort of metaphor for breast cancer awareness. Check your melons regularly, ladies.

Jane grabs the box to show Maura. I’m assuming she’ll use it as a way to convince her to submit to more of Jane’s very special breast examinations. For those who insist on being literal, Susie’s diorama also says that the dentist was using the melons to test bullets made of dental plaster that couldn’t be detected in autopsy.

All this is well and good, but our sport bra lady was stabbed, remember? Or was she? Even from some undisclosed distance away, Dr. Maura Isles can still break a case wide open. She sees something hinky (my word, clearly) in the autopsy X-rays.

After Susie examines the bone fragments it is found…man, it’s kind of complicated. Long murder plot short: The dentist created a plaster bullet with cadaver bone fragments inside to mask the shooting and frame the handyman. And why? Because he didn’t like his newly slim wife getting all this sudden attention from men. And he had to watch TV alone. So, obviously, killing her is the only option. Triple Man-Hating Lesbian Achievement, unlocked.

Oh, also, did anyone else catch how much Jane was trying to make Maura jealous with Susie? I mean, she already told Maura all about Susie showing her her box.

But that alibi. How did he manage it? By putting an old lady in a deep, deep K-hole and leaving while she was out to do the deed. And then mailed himself the murder weapon and Tyvek suit to hide it from authorities. I don’t think it’s even possible to more neatly wrap up a case than getting the smoking gun overnighted to you.

So now the only question is, will Maura get back from her conference in time for our Big Gayzzoli Ending? I’m nervous. Skype all you want, it’s never as good as the real thing. But all our worry was for naught. Our ladies simply do not know how to disappoint.

Maura and Jane, back together where they belong, check out Susie’s latest diorama. It’s of them, in the autopsy room, flirting over a dead body. Maura is pleased it all looks to scale. But Jane, who has been checking out plenty of melons during Maura’s departure, notices something off — on Tiny Diorama Maura’s chest. And I quote:

Jane: You are so, so not to scale. Look at those things on your chest. Maura: Those things are perfect in form and in balance.

Yes, I know. But don’t worry, deluded straight audiences, it’s totally not gay to notice and comment on the size of your “best friend’s” miniature model chest vis-à-vis her real chest. It’s not like Jane knows the exact “form and balance” of Maura’s chest intimately and can speak to their perfection from experience. Please, continue believing they are “best friends” who sleep in each other’s beds, plan to raise a baby together and are constantly making each other breakfast.

Oh, and to make the heterosexuality even more convincing, Maura defends the side of her miniaturized chest by attacking the length of Jane’s miniaturized legs. You know, ladies, I think the only way to truly settle this is to measure. Scientific evidence and whatnot. Go to it, we won’t watch — much.

Susie, who despite her tendency to crotchblock is secretly the president of the Rizzles Shipper Fan Club, walks up to her subjects tells them how nice they look tonight. Oh yeah, she wanted that threesome to happen. No one tell Jane and Maura how she poses them in, um, creative ways in the diorama at night when no one is looking.

As if this ending wasn’t Gayzzoli enough, Maura then tells Jane she should go with her to next year’s medical examiner conference. Yet another thing platonic friends do: Go to each other’s work conventions for fun. Jane asks if they’ll have Autopsy Jeopardy and Maura enthusiastically says they will. Then Jane says she’s scheduling surgery for that weekend and they actually play bat at each other because the Adorable Bickersons just can’t help themselves.

They quit their bickering long enough to watch Korsak, who has swallowed his guilt and decided to play with Bobby after all. And so we are once again treated to Bruce McGill showcasing his musical prowess. It’s actually really nice. Big smiles all around.

Hey, but don’t take my word for it. See for yourselves. And you were worried I couldn’t squeeze any Gayzzoli out of this stone. And you didn’t have any problem either in your #Gayzzoli tweets of the week.

The post “Rizzoli & Isles” Subtext Recap (5.06): Skype me baby one more time appeared first on AfterEllen.

Welcome to the second round of our 2014 Ultimate Femslash Madness Tournament! Round one saw the surprising exit of one-time grand champions, The Good Ship Faberry (Glee‘s Quinn and Rachel) and the defeat of Pretty Little Liars‘ power couple, Pepe the Grave-digging Dog and Tippi the Bird. I’m also very happy to say that for the first time in AfterEllen tournament history, we didn’t have any accusations of cheating. (Thanks, captchas!)

Voting for round two will be open until noon on Saturday, August 2nd. You can vote once per hour between now and then. The updated brackets are below. Tag your posts on Twitter and Tumblr with #FemslashOTP so we can find you! And don’t forget to head on over to our brother site, The Backlot, to vote in their m/m Slash Madness tournament!

May the odds be ever in your favor.

Match-Up #1: Jane/Maura vs. Cristina/Meredith

Match-Up #2: Emma/Regina vs. Caroline/Max

Match-Up #3: Spencer/Aria vs. Emily/JJ

Match-Up #4 Peppermint Patty/Marcie vs. Katniss/Johanna

Match-Up #5 Becca/Chloe vs. Ruby/Belle

Match-Up #6 Emily/Hanna vs. Myka/HG

Match-Up #7 Skye/Jemma vs. Watson/Moriarity

Match-Up #8 Marceline/Princess Bubblegum vs. Janeway/Seven

Who’d you choose for round two?

The post Vote now! 2014 Femslash Madness Tournament – Round 2 appeared first on AfterEllen.

This week I feel like I could just write, “Maura does everything she can to avoid going on a date with a man. Jane helps.” and then just go have margaritas. Boom, recap done. Happy hour here I come.

But, fine, I won’t. Because the devil(ish fun) is always in the details. Of course, things start off a lot less than fun. Unless you consider getting your fingers broken one-by-one a laugh-riot good time. In which case, *scoots away* no, that’s fine. I’m not terrified by you.

So it’s 8:30 a.m. and Det. Jane Rizzoli is where she always is—eating breakfast at Maura’s place. Maura comes in and pours herself a cup of coffee while giving Jane a look like, “I really don’t understand why you keep wasting your money and don’t just move in already.”

Jane notices it right away as her tuned Girlfriend Feelings Radar (GFFR) dings in warning. But Jane already knows how Maura will deflect her true feelings about moving in into grumbling disapproval of Jane’s “pants and shirt” combo. Far be it from me to speak ill of the standard-issue lesbian causal work attire, but I do prefer it when Jane upgrades to a button-down. What? You’ve been thinking it, too.

Maura says she’s worried about how Jane looks when she meets Jack, henceforth to be known as Professor Beard. Don’t laugh, introducing your beard to your girlfriend is an important step in the beard-client relationship. When your beard doesn’t get along with your girlfriend it causes so many headaches.

To emphasize the point Maura tells Jane, “I want you to look as good for him as you do for me.” Yeah, let what she just said sink in. Almost there, almost there. Yep, that was super gay.

Jane looks at Maura like, “Honey, you want me to wear that tight sailor outfit you like for your beard?”

Maura quickly clarifies she just wants her to look really good. Establishing your girlfriend’s superior hotness is another key aspect of the beard-client relationship. Jane jokes about owning an Alexander Wang dress and all the lesbians laugh and laugh and laugh with her.

Jane turns it around and tells Maura she should worry about her own femme credentials since she’s missing a Chanel earring. Maura goes all exasperated lipstick and checks herself in the wine fridge reflection. Jane suppresses a laugh and tells Maura she hopes she isn’t missing something else that rhymes with “manties.” Then she offers to check, just to be safe. You know that happened. You know.

Maura confesses she has been a little discombobulated lately trying to adjust to another beard. Then she sits Jane down for a long talk about their relationship and whether they’re finally ready to stop hiding and start being open and honest with each other and the world. But in her head. Because instead she just says something about being nervous about Prof. Beard because he is the first beard in a long time who hasn’t tried to kill her.

Jane responds in a way that makes Maura secretly happy she didn’t try to have The Talk. She tells Maura to concentrate on not scaring him off with her science-y work talk. Yes, any good relationship involves suppressing one’s own intellectual interests so it won’t be “scary” to the dude. Sigh.

She suggests Maura talks about puppies instead. And, as anyone who watches Orphan Black knows, “puppy” is the preferred pet name for geeky scientist gay girls everywhere to call their girlfriends. Just ask Cosima and Delphine. So, in essence, Jane is telling Maura to talk about her with Prof. Beard. Booyah.

Jane reminds Maura to grab her keys (such a girlfriend move) and off to fight crime they go. They arrive at the rare book dealer’s shop, and immediately I’m imagining inappropriate sexy librarian fantasies between Jane and Maura. Sorry, sorry—horrible torturous death and all of that.

The bookstore owner’s only employee is a young guy with tattoos, so clearly he is a suspect. But, because this is not the first crime procedural we’ve ever watched, we are also pretty sure he didn’t do it.

Back in the autopsy room, Jane and Maura enjoy each other’s presence in the romantic glow of the morgue lights. Korsak pops his head in to say he is sorry he is going to have to ruin their dinner plans. Of course, he knows they have dinner plans because that’s what couples do—they eat out together. Ahem. Get your minds out of the gutter.

Oh, darn. Looks like Maura will have to cancel their dinner plans with Prof. Beard. Bring out the counter, because that’s Cancellation No. 1 for the night. Jane leaves to check out the crime scene and Maura promises to only talk about “catuli” (puppies in Latin) with Prof. Beard. So, once again, she promises to only talk about Jane. These two, I swear.

The next day Maura tries to impress Jane with all the ways she talked about her, I mean “puppies,” at dinner. Plus we learn Maura’s new secret nickname for Jane is “Schnoodle.” Jane couldn’t be prouder of her girlfriend, and is of course pleased that Maura’s beard relationship is going well. Power of the closet, people.

Red Herring No. 1 is brought in for questioning with Jane and Korsak because, again, tattoos. He tells them that six months ago something changed with the victim, he stopped caring about the store and everything else. Meanwhile Frankie goes to see Maura about more evidence, but mostly to see how his beard replacement is doing. I know, you two flirted with giving it a try, but in the end it was just too weird for everyone involved. Praise be to Jan Nash.

Maura tells Frankie it’s not even that serious yet, because Jane hasn’t met him. Frankie nods in agreement because a beard Jane doesn’t like is a beard that will be either dumped, in jail or dead in the bottom of an elevator shaft.

Jane is looking disdainfully at the safe cracker back at the crime scene. He has a hickey on his neck from his “convention.” Do adult people really still give each other hickeys? But the safe was empty so Jane looks around for alternate hiding places. She finds a loose baseboard and asks hickey man for a crowbar. He pulls a, “Want me to do that for you, little lady?” And Jane replies, “Want me to hit you in the nuts with it?” See, it’s stuff like this—threatening harm to the male genitalia with feminist righteousness—that only makes me love this show more.

Inside they find what appears to be an old book with a note to give it to “Father Cowens.” Turns out the priest was to be just a delivery guy to give the book to a literature professor and tell him it was a riddle. And, indeed, the victim had something “heavy” weighing on his heart. Yes, folks, gone are the days when we watched this show and sat back in self-satisfaction after the first five minutes with a gloaty, “The sister did it.” Like, I have no idea where this is going.

Maura is examining the book and tells Jane the professor it was meant for is a “superhero in the world of illuminated manuscripts.” Jane immediately poopooes the concept of nerd superheroes. Hey now, Jane. Bruce Banner was a scientist. Peter Parker was a high school science genius. And wasn’t that three out of the Fantastic Four’s chosen profession. Nerdy academics can totally be superheroes. Fine, maybe not a literature professor. Now if he was an archeology professor…

Jane’s superhero scientist girlfriend promises to get to the bottom of the mystery and leave no page left unturned. Very punny, Maura. Jane is so pleased with her girlfriend this week. So many puns, so many metaphors for football glory.

Their happy celebration of each other’s awesomeness is interrupted by Mama Rizzoli. She is a vision in beige, modeling the latest in potato sack chic.

Jane and Maura look at each other and wordlessly say, “I know us lesbians aren’t stereotypically known for our fashion sense, but, damn—that looks bad.”

Mama R is going through some big life upheaval and wants to start afresh. This means dumping Lt. Cavanaugh, even though she still likes him. So she is going to let him down easy by wearing 50 shades of beige. They send her off in her happy dourness to do the deed.

When next Jane sees Maura she has disemboweled the mystery book, much to her chagrin. But it wasn’t a rare book at all, it was a Frankenstein the victim made himself from various parts. Book talk quickly shifts to date talk, as Maura wonders again if she should cancel with Prof. Beard. Jane says no, but with about as much enthusiasm as Mama R’s beige ensemble. Yep, click that counter because that’s Cancellation No. 2.

Maura brings in the superhero literature professor to examine the mystery book. All the while it seems like she is grilling him as a potential beard replacement. Hey, you can’t blame her. She hasn’t even introduced Jane to this new one, and we all know it never hurts to have a backup.

But Frankie deems him unsuitable, because he says Maura can figure out whatever is hidden in the book in half the time he could. And sends this buckaroo packing unceremoniously. Finding the proper beard is a full-on family affair for the Rizzoli clan.

In this season’s continued fuller focus on the supporting cast, Mama R meets Lt. Cavanaugh at the Dirty Robber for the break-up talk. Mama R tells him she got a fortune cookie that said “start over,” so of course she is now changing her whole life. I know, as break-up reasons go this one hurts more than “it’s not you, it’s me.”

But Mama R explains her rational (a little) bit better saying her whole life she had a man supporting her and now it is time to be like her daughter and find a woman. Wait, sorry, I totally misheard that. She wants to get to know who she is alone. Wait, maybe I didn’t mishear that—it’s just the woman she is looking for is herself. Lt. Cavanaugh is incredibly sweet and kind, considering his girlfriend just dumped him because of advice found inside a complimentary baked good that comes with your moo shu pork.

Jane and Korsak are watching one of their new suspects who has lawyered up. When the attorney walks in Jane recognizes him as Paddy Doyle’s attorney. So, looks like someone is taking a road trip. She goes up to see Paddy to ask about their new suspect. Hey, so you think Jane can visit just any prison. Because Massachusetts isn’t that far form New York. I’m sure we could find some sort of reason for her to visit the Litchfield Correctional Facility.

Her visit with Paddy becomes a de facto family therapy session as he asks about Maura because everyone knows Jane is the gatekeeper to everything about Maura. He helps Jane with some information about the suspect, and then asks for a favor in return. Quid pro quo. If it involves fava beans and a nice chianti say no, Jane.

Back at Boston PD, Maura runs into Frankie talking about Jane’s return time. This automatically dings Maura’s GFFR, and she says barely hiding the panic in her voice, “Jane’s gone? W-w-when will she be back?” Easy now, it’ll be OK. Remember when you went to that nerd conference for three days? You two can do this.

Frankie lets spill that Jane went to the penitentiary and Maura automatically knows that means Paddy. She tries to play it off like NBD LOL, but her twitching jaw muscle gives her away. Total side note: Love the dress.

Frankie and Korsak lead a surveillance sting on the suspect, who they released. It works, after a body slam or two. Meanwhile Jane returns and heads straight to Maura’s office. She sits down with an “Anyway….” and Maura replies, “I know you saw Paddy.”

Jane settles in for a big family talk. She tells Maura Paddy is being transferred to a supermax prison in California. And then she delivers the really big news — Paddy would like to see Maura before he leaves. Jane says she thinks Paddy has some things to get off his chest before he leaves, but it’s totally up to Maura if she wants to listen.

But instead of making Maura think about her complex family dynamics, Jane’s words make her think of the case. And she has her Dr. House moment when something clicks and the whole case is solved. Maura gets up without saying anything and speed walks to the lab leaving Jane to scramble behind her—like the puppy that she is.

Maura has solved the book’s riddle, and it wasn’t inside the book but on the book itself. He had written a confession about being part of a bombing in Dublin where people died on the page edges with a 19th Century technique called fore-edge painting. Maura and Jane exchange quickie congratulatory eye sex at solving the riddle. See, there most certainly can be academic superheroes.

Case now successfully cracked, Jane and Co. have called in a British investigator to hand over the bombing case to her. Frankie and Korsak commiserate over having such hot women like Jane and Maura and posh English-accent cop be out of their reach on account of The Gay.

The British agent calls Jane “incredible.” Slow your roll, lady. She is taken. Jane gives all the credit to Maura. The agent thanks them both for bringing closure to the victim’s families and for also being so hot. She was thinking that, you know it.

Another case successfully in the books, Jane looks at Maura and says, “If you ever have anything to tell me, just tell me, OK? Don’t use like codes or invisible ink or talking animals or secret Latin words for puppy.” Oh, man, are we going to get The Talk after all?

Maura promises not to use talking animals, because she has seen enough pirate movies to know better. Aw, I bet Jane is the one who made her watch pirate movies. They head into the elevator where they can share some proper uninterrupted eye sex.

They also have a big family talk, masked as a conversation about the tattooed bookstore employee. Something about no matter the bad things someone did in their past it doesn’t change the way they feel about you. To break the tension Jane says she could just talk about puppies instead. Then she admits cross-bred puppies can be used as a metaphor for change. Well, only if you admit you two are the puppies and you’re both in love, Jane.

So now we’re all back where we began. At Maura’s house for breakfast. Mama R is trying yoga and telling her about how she has torn down her foundation to start anew. In other words, she broke up with her boyfriend and quit her job. Jane asks if she’ll be moving out of Maura’s place. You can tell she is trying to mask her excitement at the possibility of no longer being barged in on during very special private times with Maura.

Maura comes down and Jane notices right away that her earrings match. Damn, Maura has her butch trained. Jane also says she is now emotionally prepared to meet Maura’s beard. She has even researched doodles and is seriously considering changing her nickname to St. Bernadoodle because of their cuteness (and also loyalty—I added that part because, hello, it’s a rescue dog).

Maura smiles and tells Jane she had to cancel, once again. So, those of you keeping score at home, that is Cancellation No. 3. Anything to get out of a date with a dude, honey. Anything.

Maura confesses there’s something more important than Prof. Beard that she needs to do. And then she stares lovingly at Jane and says she could really use some company. Jane nods her head a little too eagerly like — hell yeah, I’m gonna get me some morning sex.

Fortified by their love (and love making, ahem), the ladies head out to the prison to see Paddy. Jane levels her eyes at Maura and tells her, “I’ll be right here if you need me.” I know Jane’s the one who is pregnant, but with all the unprotected eye sex this episode Maura is sure to be next. She sashays down the walkway to see her biological father, all under the watchful eye of Jane. Telling that the one guy Maura bothers to keep a date with this entire episode is her father.

And now, for all your tweets about cancelling this many times on your so-called boyfriend totally isn’t gay or anything. Your #Gayzzoli tweets of the week.

The post “Rizzoli & Isles” Subtext Recap (5.07): How to lose a guy in 10 days appeared first on AfterEllen.

Voting is now closed. Final Four voting will open on Monday, August 11.

Welcome to the Elite Eight of this year’s AfterEllen Femslash Madness Tournament! We’ve got some big names going up against each other in this round: Rizzles vs. SwanQueen! Bechloe vs. Bering and Wells! Katniss and Johanna vs. Emily and JJ! Skimmons vs. Bubbline (Sugarless Gum)! There’s enough stellar fanfic about those eight couples on FanFiction.net and AO3 to fill a library!

You will be able to vote once per hour between now and Saturday, August 9th at noon EST. Check out the full brackets below and get to clickin’! May the odds be ever in your favor.

The post Vote now! 2014 Femslash Madness – Elite Eight! appeared first on AfterEllen.

You know sometimes when you meet your girlfriend’s friends for the first time and you’re like, “Really, honey? Really?” Well Jane is having that experience, times 100. Prof. Beard is rambling on with a story about how he left his fly down in class one time and couldn’t decide whether to zip it up or leave it. Wow, dude. You really know how to talk to lesbians.

Jane and Maura do their polite laugh. You know the laugh. The one that says, “God, I wish guys would just take the hint and leave us alone.” But, alas, they both know this step is important. It’s the long-delayed beard introduction. From his nervous chatter to his clammy forehead, this guy is clearly trying too hard. I mean, you can’t blame him. You know Maura probably pays him an extravagant Beard Stipend.

Jane says — despite his inappropriate wardrobe malfunction stories — the meeting with Prof. Beard is going well. Except for one thing — Maura. So Jane splashes a little cold water on her to perk her up. Or at least annoy her with water spots to elicit some sort of human emotion. Poor thing, she is probably just exhausted from auditioning beards all these years.

Prof. Beard returns to the table and Maura decides to share her own funny story. Of course, it involves Jane. It’s about that time they went to the Adirondacks. Jane levels her eyes at her girlfriend and gives her a “Don’t you dare”-under her breath. And then Maura starts her story like this, “Jane and I had never tried it…”

Oh, honey child. Gather round. Bring popcorn. This is gonna be good.

The next day Jane and Maura arrive together at the crime scene. (Woman shot outside a nightclub when she took a smoke break — see, kids, smoking really does kill.) Maura is more interested in how Jane felt about Prof. Beard. She asks, for the millionth time, if Jane really liked him.

Jane finally gives her an honest, “No.” Because the first seventeen “Yeses” were apparently unconvincing. Jane knows in this complicated game of hide-and-seek there is no real right answer when it comes to whether you like the person your secret girlfriend is pretending to date so you two can carry on your closeted relationship.

The team tries to track down the victim’s husband — he is the head of a hot new start-up tech company so we all know we’re going to hate him immediately. Korsak and Jane go to check on him at his hotel and find a bullet hole in his door’s peephole. So I guess we don’t have enough time to hate him.

Meanwhile, Jane and Korsak chit-chat about his preparation for the lieutenant’s exam. One of the books goes into the behavior of cops. And Jane tells him it’s easy, “We’re pains in the asses.” Poor Maura, doesn’t she know it.

While it’s weird to say about someone who is bending over a guy with an eye socket that looks like hamburger meat, Maura looks lovely. I’m digging the Veronica Lake thing they have going on with her hair this episode. A lot.

Speaking of things going on this episode, they did it with such a light touch you might not have realized. But Lee Thompson Young’s replacement got introduced this week. She is Idara Victor, who joins the team as new homicide unit crime scene analyst Nina Holiday. In simpler terms, it looks like she is going to be doing all the computer stuff Frost used to do.

First impression, nice vest. Second impression, good idea making her a crime tech instead of a full homicide detective — at least for now. It would be very difficult to inject someone directly into the team and expect the chemistry to stay the same. Third impression, yay it’s another lady. Yep, that’s all I got for now.

In the lab, Maura and her amazing hair discover the same bullet — and a silencer — was used to kill both victims. So it looks like a professional hitman scrubbed them both. But why? I don’t really care, but I sure like to watch Maura as she refuses to guess.

In the office, Jane and Korsak are discussing the case when he hands her a package that has arrived. It’s a present — from the beard. Yes, people, this guy knows his place in this relationship. And he knows the way into Maura’s good graces run only through Jane. But, seriously, when has your “best friend’s” boyfriend ever given you a gift? Let alone an expensive gift. Ever? Never? Yeah, that’s what I thought.

Jane sees through it, and realizes Prof. Beard is trying to buy influence. But she plans to keep the signed “Grover Verben” baseball. Um, am I just not dykey enough to know who that is? Or is that an imaginary ballplayer? I’m thinking the latter given Jan Nash’s tweet.

We get some exposition about the start-up and how the wife was a gold-digger and the husband hated her. Cool, never get tired of the gold-digger stereotype about women. *sigh* *head shake* Moving on. Nina helps the team uncover large cash withdrawals the husband made to have his wife whacked.

Jane also gets a chance to meet Nina. I think it went well. Better than her awkward meeting with Prof. Beard at least. She helps them conclude that there was a witness in the alley who saw the wife get shot, so the hitman killed the husband to clean up any loose ends. I don’t really understand this rationale, but I’m just going to go with it because Jane looks hot in her bulletproof vest.

Speaking of that vest, um, what’s the deal? The team goes after HEAVILY ARMED END-OF-DAYS PREPPERS ACTIVELY HIDING FROM AUTHORITY with no vests. But go to an abandoned alley and they’re all suited up? They find a sleeping bag and some homework in an abandoned room off the alley and realize their witness is a kid.

Back in the office the new team gather to discuss the case. Afterward, Korsak tells Jane she is their new homicide hire. She is an ex-Chicago PD officer who transferred into the department looking for a change of scenery. Again, I think it was smart making her a homicide analyst instead of a full detective — for now at least. Jane does, too.

What Jane doesn’t think, apparently, is too much of her new “gift” from Prof. Beard. She has spilled coffee on the ball and signature, and now is begging Mama Rizzoli to fix it. Mind you, she isn’t worried about what Prof. Beard will think. She’s worried about what Maura will think. Oh, show. It can’t even help with The Gay.

Speaking of Maura, she walks into the Isles Estates in the middle of the afternoon. I bet in the back of her head she was hoping Jane would be there so they could have a little delight of their own. But instead she finds Mama R cleaning carrots and unsuccessfully cleaning off the baseball.

Maura, however, is excellent at cleaning herself and talks about her relaxing bath last night. And now we’re all just imagining Maura in the bath. Oh, dear. I’ve probably lost you guys to 20 minutes of daydreaming now. Anyway. *snaps fingers* This all leads us back to why she is back in the first place, because she left some files she was reading by the bath. But instead of her files she spies Jane’s baseball, which now is only signed by a Grover Ver.” Mama R insists the “-ben” in his name is silent, but Maura knows better.

Then Mama R confesses to not really being the cleaning genius Jane thinks she is and having fooled her years ago by just buying a new communion dress instead of getting the motor oil out of her old one. Wait, motor oil? How Mama R didn’t know about Jane being gay in the womb is beyond me. By the way, Maura totally knew the story of Jane’s communion dress because, duh, girlfriends tell each other everything. But, never fear, Maura isn’t upset — at Mama R or Jane. Hm, you’d think if she really cared about Prof. Beard’s feelings she’d be at least a little worried. But no. Telling.

Back on the case the detectives have tracked down the witness, a homeless student named Tasha whose parents both passed away. Hey, does she grow up to join the military and fall in love with a girl named Alice? The detectives realize the hitman also found out who she was and visited the school. Tasha is living on her parent’s social security checks so the team splits up to try to find out where she cashes them. Korsak tells everyone to wear vests because of the hitman. Militia, no. Hitman, yes. OK, I don’t get it, but OK.

Jane swears she’ll wear hers, but it’s in the car. Geez, nothing ominous about that. Of course, she isn’t when she goes to the check cashing place. But then finally remembers to put it on while following another lead into a totally sketchy, abandoned alley — alone. Oh, did I mention the cell reception there sucks, too? Yeah, this is going to end well.

She checks through an open door but doesn’t see anyone so leaves, only to have Tasha lock the door behind her. It takes a little convincing, but Jane finally gets Tasha to trust her enough to open the door and come outside.

Big mistake. Big. HUGE.

Shots ring out. Tasha is hit first. Jane is hit trying to protect her — albeit in her vest. Her gun flies out of her hand. Then the most patient hitman in the world lets them stumble back inside the building. They wind up in the elevator with the slowly walking hitman behind them. Jane stops them between floors, which I don’t actually think means they’re safe because couldn’t he pry open the door on either floor and just shoot down at them? Whatever, sorry — stop attaching logical to television. It just ruins everything.

Jane tries to triage Tasha’s wounds. And she does so in true Jane fashion, but telling a joke. “So there were three criminals and they were sentenced to exile in the desert…” Tasha is naturally like, “What the actual fuck, I’m bleeding out here, woman…” But Jane continues and tells her not to talk because it will mess up the rhythm of the joke. It’s an admittedly terrible joke. (Punchline: “I brought a car door so if I get hot I can just roll down the window.”)

But that’s not the point, the point is it distracted Tasha so Jane could pull her makeshift tourniquet. Tasha screams, but then calls Jane sneaky. It’s actually a really good scene, in character and taut. Oh, season, you continue to delight.

Tasha also realizes Jane was shot too, in the stomach. But Jane reassures her that her vest caught it. Hey, remember when Frankie’s vest caught a bullet but he almost died anyway? Just sayin’.

Compounding the problem is the lack of cell reception in the building and the broken elevator phone. But Jane reassures Tasha that her team will find her soon. And, indeed, they’re on it. They triangulate her position to a six-block radius and leave to search. They see the proverbial Rizzoli Bat Signal in the sky and saddle up.

Luckily, Jane took auto shop while she was in high school — to the surprise of no lesbian. So she knows how to hotwire a Volvo and the elevator phone. She is able to call out to the building security, but of course it’s never simple. The security guy doesn’t know what building she is in, so Jane goes all Rizzilla and tells him to cut the bullshit and just call Boston PD and patch her through to Maura — NOW.

Meanwhile, Maura is sipping tea while listening to The Least Interesting Man in the World — trademark pending. Seriously, I liked Enver Gjokaj in Dollhouse just fine. But he is so milquetoast here. Thankfully, Jane’s call breaks up the tedium. Though Maura ignores it at first — out of politeness and nothing more, of course. But then her cell also rings and she relents.

Bet you would have never forgiven yourself if you let Jane die in an elevator because you were listening to the most boring story ever told by your fake boyfriend, eh, Maura. Once she realizes who it is she springs into action. Prof. Beard does the only useful thing he’s ever done on this show and agrees to drive her so Maura can stay connected to Jane on the phone.

Jane decides to leave Tasha — and her vest — in the elevator to seek help. Good thing this hitman moves at a glacial pace, because otherwise he would have gone to the basement and overridden the elevator doors by now. As is, he’s just getting around to it. And the American workforce used to be the best in the world, pity.

Maura and Tasha chat about feminist heroes while they wait, because even death cannot dampen the accomplishments of the great women of history. Tasha confesses that she wants to become an oncologist so she can save someone else’s mother from cancer. So Maura tells her about Dr. Jane Wright, the pioneering cancer researcher who just so happened to be female and African American. I will confess I had to Google her and now I’m impressed. But Tasha knew who she was right away.

The hitman finally reaches the electrical room and restarts the elevators. Jane sees this and runs down, grabbing her stomach the whole time. Yes, we’ve reached critical This Doesn’t Look Good levels.

The team arrives — Nina with her iPad of Righteous Justice, too — and start to search for her. Maura does too, and dumb Beardy wants to come under the police tape with her. Sure, that seems like a good idea. A college engineering professor with zero police or medical experience will be super helpful in an active crime scene with a shooting in progress. Maura tells him no. Sit. Stay. Good dog. He gets a peck as a reward. Look, stupid animals need a reward to learn. (p.s. This is in no way a slam on canine intelligence. Dogs are smart, this guy — not so much.)

So while he’s standing around like a dummy, Jane does something crazy heroic because — of course she does. She’s Det. Jane Rizzoli. She cuts the power and then comes at the hitman with a pipe. They fight, he hits her in the stomach and back. And then just as he is about to deliver a death blow — bang. The detectives arrive just in time and shoot him. Look, we all knew she wasn’t going to die and this dude was the laziest hitman ever, but it was still a pretty tense situation.

Outside Maura is holding Jane’s hand because that’s what you do when your girlfriend nearly dies. The EMTs wheel Tasha up to Jane’s gurney and they pause to have a moment. Look, this is very heartwarming but shouldn’t they rush her to a hospital, STAT? Arterial bleeds aren’t cured by warm fuzzy feelings.

Case solved, damsel rescued — Jane stares lovingly at Maura. Yes, I think they deserve a little eye sex after a near-death experience. Maura leans over and tells her, “You did good, Jane. You did really good.” Wow, Maura must have been really shaken up. But we’ll let it pass because love means never having to say you’re sorry you used incorrect grammar in a moment of crisis.

Now on to your #Gayzzoli tweets of the week. Twitter was acting weird this week and wouldn’t let me search all your tweets. So I apologize for missing some of your brilliant insults for Prof. Beard. But don’t worry, I felt them all and they warmed my heart. And one more Bonus Tweet from Jan Nash heself:

The post “Rizzoli & Isles” Subtext Recap (5.08): You want I should whack him? appeared first on AfterEllen.

Jane is being impatient. I don’t even know why I’m typing this because this is one of Jane’s most common activities, second only to “Jane is looking lovingly at Maura.” This time she is impatient about her mother returning from a trip to her apartment. She is pacing and looking at her watch as Maura calmly pours them some coffee. And then she tells Maura something about her lady parts. I don’t know, I wasn’t listening but that’s sure what it looks like.

Jane is waiting to get her letter from the doctor clearing her to go back to work. I have no idea why Jane sent her mother to her place to get the mail instead of going herself, but my guess is because she needed a little alone time with Maura. Recouping with your girlfriend is one thing, recouping with your girlfriend while your mom watches is entirely another. You can tell Maura is trying to take advantage of the moment because she tries to get Jane to pucker up. Again, pictures don’t lie.

Jane can’t understand why she hasn’t gotten her letter yet, but we all know it’s because Mama Rizzoli stole it. Please, we all knew it the second Jane mentioned that letter. For a detective, sometimes Jane is incredibly dense about her personal life.

Maura tries to calm her girlfriend and tells her even though Jane is dying to get back to work, she has loved having her there and “I’m sad that you’re leaving.” See, see? This is what I meant about Jane being dense about her personal life. She has the perfect moment to finally U-Haul it with Maura once and for all, but still insists on moving back to her so-called “apartment.” Give it up, we all know you have that thing listed on Airbnb.

Jane says she is sad, too — “so sad.” Oh, girl — good luck getting Maura to go near those lady parts you were gesturing so wildly at anytime soon. How about being a little appreciative. I mean, she nurses you back to health AND lets your mother live with her. What more do you want? The woman is perfect. Put a ring on it already.

Luckily, Maura “Perfect Girlfriend” is indeed perfect and brushes off Jane’s snarkiness. She realizes her girlfriend is more happy about going back to work than if she had found a way to magically turn all the lettuce of the world into beer. But Jane isn’t sure and challenges her girlfriend to make it happen. So demanding, that one.

Maura R finally arrives, lugging a black garbage bag full of Jane’s clothes. Yes, we all knew Jane would be the kind of person who used garbage bags instead of actual luggage — we just knew. The letter isn’t there, of course. Because MAMA R STOLE IT. Hey, just because the crimes have gotten harder to guess doesn’t mean all the other plot points have, too.

She tells Jane the doctor must think she needs more rest and orders her to lay down and she’ll bring her snacks. Jane, you are an idiot. Your mom is bringing you snacks and you’re living with the world’s most perfect girlfriend. Shut up and be thankful for your life.

Of course Jane can’t. She asks Maura to put her in a medically induced coma and/or give her oxy. OK, fine, I know what she’s doing. Because behind looking lovingly at Maura and being impatient, Jane’s third most favorite activity is making her mother and girlfriend’s faces do this.

Since for whatever reason the show’s producers won’t let it just be about Jane and Maura snuggling all the time, Korsak heads to prison to set this week’s crime-of-the-week in motion. Actually, it’s an old crime. An old high school friend in prison has asked him to look into his case one last time as his dying request. He was convicted of burning down his house and killing his wife and daughter.

But, of course, he claims he didn’t set the fire. Also, is he wearing red? That’s a new one. I mean, we all know about orange and beige. But red? Does it mean something else when they’re in red? Sorry, got distracted because of the boring exposition about him exhausting his appeals and having no other legal outlet. Vince promises to check out his file. And away we go.

Meanwhile Jane is checking out the Tupperware. She is helping Maura clear the dinner dishes in that unspoken way couples clear the dinner dishes. These two are more coupley than most actual couples.

Jane is complaining about her mom’s clinginess. See, now this I understand. Once you move in to Maura’s place for good I do think you’ll have to reassess the living situation. Oh, perhaps your mom can take your apartment since you’re so stupidly attached to it. A knock on the door interrupts the planning of future familial living arrangements.

It’s Vince. He has wine and a box of case files, which is not a hostess gift I’d suggest for most people but in this instance is perfect. He asks Maura to use her superior brain and modern science to look over the 15-year-old case for him.

Jane grabs a file right away and Korsak tug-o-wars it back because she doesn’t have her medical release letter yet. I’m a tiny bit surprised she didn’t try to bite off one of his fingers for taking it from her. Maybe living with more genteel Maura is rubbing off on her after all.

Oh, wait. She hasn’t gotten more polite. She has just gotten more sneaky. While Korsak and Maura discuss the case, Jane steals a couple papers out of the box for some nice, before-bed reading. Nothing like a report on a lethal homicide to send you off into peaceful slumber.

Jane hustles off with her contraband tucked inside of some fashion magazines and says she’s turning in. Naturally, this brings a scowl to Maura’s face because how dare she go to bed without her? Also, with no kiss. Rude.

The next morning Jane is still reading her “magazines.” See, I knew the only way Det. Jane Rizzoli would be poring over glossy fashion rags would be because she’s really reading about grisly murder. Otherwise, you know she’d be reading Sports Illustrated.

Mama R thinks the same thing, because she mentioned a pastrami sandwich and Jane didn’t automatically start drooling. She asks Jane what’s so fascinating in that fashion magazine she’s never seen her read before. And Jane sputters out, “I was just reading this article…10 ways to please my man…and make him happy as a clam…with a candle.”

And then they both laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed. Because we know Jane has no interest in how to please a man. And even when pretending to be straight she can’t help bringing up clams.

Clearly, nobody is buying this. Mama R certainly isn’t because she asks which is more fascinating to Jane, “the candle or the clam?” Holy crap, I think she just finally asked Jane if she was gay. Metaphorically.

Of course, Jane deflects and asks Mama R what she was asking about earlier. Ah, the retreat to the safety of conversations about sandwiches. Seriously, Mama R, go to a PFLAG meeting. It’ll all be OK.

Maura meets Korsak for coffee and tells him her findings. The accelerant the report claims was used, and Korsak’s friend was convicted on, couldn’t have caused the victim’s deaths. Something about super-heated air. Sorry, once again I was distracted because I’m trying to figure out if Maura is wearing a vest. Don’t laugh, this is very important lesbian research I’m conducting.

OK, so it wasn’t a vest. But it is some sort of vest-like sleeveless pantsuit. Either way, thank you costume department. Arms! Arms!

Maura has enlisted the help of Nina. Look, I enjoy my work but there’s no way I’m coming in for free on the weekend. Frankie has been sucked in as well, and Jane knows it so she calls to consult on the case. Jane tells him to check in on the wife’s boyfriend, who was never questioned. Then she quickly hops back on the couch in time to “fool” her mom into thinking she is really reading those upside down fashion mags. The denial is powerful in this one.

Maura meets up with Korsak again and tells him about the real chemical that caused the fire. But first she tries to list all 38 materials that were originally tested inside the home. Korsak stops her, and Maura acknowledges that if Jane were here she’d have to fight the urge to strangle her with her bare hands — with love. Man, it’s not the same when Jane isn’t at work to fake threaten her girlfriend herself.

Korsak needs to get the evidence to retest, but he can’t get it released without the proper signed forms. And those forms need to be signed by the lead detective and prosecutor, two people probably not keen on getting proven wrong. Dilemma!

He calls Maura’s, and finds our couple making dinner. Duh. Jane is confused about why she has to rewash the prewashed salad mix, and Maura is cleaning an entire farmer’s market worth of veggies. Clearly, they’re practicing that lettuce-into-beer magic trick.

Jane says the evidence clerk ate a rulebook and it got stuck in his colon. Maura corrects that’s not how digestion works. And Korsak stares at the phone like, “Who do you two think you’re kidding. So married.”

Just when Korsak is ready to hang up and let the lovebirds get back to their salad, Jane grabs some linens and a sharpie and writes a note to Maura. I’ve heard of pillow talk, but this is ridiculous.

Maura of course chastises Jane for writing on her good cloth napkins, but relays the information nonetheless. Jane promises to make it up to Maura later, anyway. I mean she is going to be washing linens later anyway, why not mess up the sheets too?

The next day Maura thanks Nina for her work on the case yesterday. But it’s just a cover for them to talk about how hot policewomen look in uniform. Though Nina says she doesn’t miss wearing the pure polyester. Then all of a sudden Maura is aghast thinking of so much synthetic fiber touching her girlfriend’s skin when she is in her dress blues.

Speak of the she-devil, Jane slinks into the cafeteria. At least, I think it is Jane. I can’t really tell because it’s Jane, but dressed like a flight attendant. The look on Maura’s face when she sees her is beyond priceless. It says, “Jane, baby. We only wear that in private when we’re role-playing.” Also, I’m pretty sure Maura gave her girlfriend the full up-and-down. Though, can you blame her? Her girlfriend looks like Angie Harmon.

But Jane isn’t there for special sexytimes. At least not with Maura. She is doing her own, solo roleplaying instead. She has dressed up like what she claims is a sexy librarian outfit and what Maura more correctly identifies as a sexy stewardess instead. Then Maura correctly identifies her suit and blouse on Jane. It’s true, going through each other’s closets and sharing clothes is one of the biggest advantages to being a gay lady.

Maura suggests she lose the scarf, which screams, “your seat cushion can also be used as a floatation device.” I’d like for us all to bask in Maura’s impeccable flight attendant impersonation. It convinces Jane to take off the scarf, which she hands to a dumbstruck Maura and scampers off.

Poor Maura. You’d be totally shocked too if your girlfriend showed up at your work in your secret sexytimes outfit.

Rest assured, Jane’s co-workers are equally surprised by her appearance. None more than Korsak who actually looks like he has pieced together what Jane usually uses that outfit for. Just as surprising is what Jane has with her, the evidence they need to have retested.

The men are befuddled. How ever did she convince the evidence clerk? Well, now, it’s because Jane is a good detective (and also a lesbian) who noticed his sexy ladies wearing glasses calendar on his wall. Oh, Jane, don’t you know you’re only supposed to use the sexy librarian routine on Maura.

Also, can we talk about how few buttons Jane has buttoned on that blouse? I’m pretty sure it’s illegal in most states. Hello.

Testing on the evidence shows the chemicals that caused the fire are nowhere on the convicted man’s pants, and the chemical they did find was only there because — well — he peed himself. Well, that’s one way to beat a murder rap.

Jane arrives back at Maura’s place, in Maura’s clothes. Mama R sees her and is like, “What you two do behind closed doors is fine, I just don’t want to see it.” Jane tells her she has been to the police station and Mama R finally gets it. She gets that Jane loves her job. Shoot, that wasn’t what I was hoping she would get.

She walks over to the drawer and pulls out, yep, it’s the medical clearance letter. Toldja. She has kept it hidden from Jane for two days because she isn’t ready for her to leave. Wow. Someone book Mama R an appointment with Dr. Melfi. Someone needs to reestablish healthy boundaries.

She is having a bit of a mental breakdown talking about how worried she gets about Jane’s job. Um, Mama R, not to interrupt but you have another child who is also a cop. Do you give him this lecture, too? Because otherwise you’re just being a little sexist. Also, after your daughter shoots herself in the stomach to escape a hostage situation, I kind of think there’s nothing about her line of work that would shock you anymore. Just saying.

Jane celebrates on the couch and prepares to go back to work in two days. Girl, keep that get-up on. You can “celebrate” with Maura later when she gets off work.

While the team has proved Korsak’s friend innocent, they still need to find a motive and suspect for the fire to convince the D.A. Really? Because, call me a crazy optimist, but I’d think a man’s innocence should be enough to get him out of prison.

The detectives zero in on the family’s neighbor, who skipped town right after the fire. He was killed six months later. Through the magic of surveillance videos and Skype, they figure out the next-door neighbor was in trouble with a biker gang known for making meth. Whew, that one took a second. So the fire was set accidentally, to try to hurt the neighbor. And they mixed them up because both men drove red pickup trucks. Yeah, you know when the criminals aren’t that smart? Not checking the house number before burning it down would suggest that is very true.

Case essentially solved, Jane finally gets her badge back. But not before we get a heartwarming story from Mama R about her first day at school when she came home with a missing tooth from a fight with a boy. Yep, that one was most definitely a budding lesbian.

Jane arrives at work time to wrap up the case. She gets the biker dude to confess, and finally the falsely convicted man’s son realizes his dad is innocent. Well done, team. Who wants to snuggle? Anyone? Anyone? Oh, you two, we can always count on you two.

Maura pours her girlfriend a champagne flute of beer, while she has the real thing. (p.s. It’s Peroni again. Sheesh, has Jane switched beers? This is such an important lesbian life decision.) Jane asks where her mom is. Yes, they both need that session with Dr. Melfi on boundaries. Maura tells her she sent her off dancing so they could have the night alone together.

Jane starts to panic about her mom’s whereabouts. Overprotective mama, overprotective daughter. Apples, trees, you get the picture. Maura takes Jane’s hand and says she knows what this is really about: Jane’s continued anxieties about moving in together.

Of course, Jane deflects with more jibber-jabber about her mother. And then in a bit of masterful turnaround, she worries aloud that her mom might leave her drink unattended and get roofied. With a pointed look at Maura she says we all know how that turns out. Oh, continuity, you are so nice to see on this show.

Jane threatens to pull up Maura’s booking photo. I have a sneaking suspicion this is something she does a lot — to keep her lady in line. Poor Maura, a lifetime with Jane means a lifetime of teasing. But you know she not-so secretly loves it.

They resign themselves to waiting for her on the couch together. But not before Maura gives Jane her “going away” present. It’s “Hazardous Material” bags in lieu of luggage. Maura tells her she was going to get her a stick with a bandana on the end, but it was too hobo chic. Atta girl, see, she has learned how to tease back. Jane looks lovingly at Maura, and they share a little thank-god-your-mother-isn’t-here eye sex.

Then they decide to order a pizza and snuggle together under a blanket on the couch while watching TV. It’s pretty much the most perfect lesbian date ever. And the very definition of a Big Gayzzoli Ending. My work here is done.

Everything was under-the-blanket snuggles and nothing hurt this week in #Gayzzoli. Scoot a little closer on the couch together and let’s check out the tweets of the week.

The post “Rizzoli & Isles” Subtext Recap (5.10): Loosen up my buttons, baby appeared first on AfterEllen.

You know what bugs me on TV cop shows — other than when two very obviously gay characters aren’t gay together? When a single woman on a TV cop show comes home alone in the dark and we know even before we know her name that she is doomed to a terrible death by someone lying in wait. It’s sort of the oldest trick in the book when it comes to crime procedurals. For extra special been there, seen that points, there’s usually a scene of the doomed woman looking at herself happily in a mirror right before the killer strikes. And, alas, Rizzoli & Isles chose to start its summer finale with exactly this tired old trope.

It’s morning and a non-single (but unwilling to admit it publicly) Jane Rizzoli barges into Maura Isles’ townhouse. Not a knock, not a slowly open to check if the coast is clear — because even though she stubbornly refuses to give up her own apartment, this is clearly Jane’s home. Though, come to think of it, how long has it been since we’ve seen Jane’s place anyway? I’m pretty sure she’s just renting it out on Airbnb at this point, like I suggested.

Jane tells Maura to hop to it because aforementioned doomed girl is indeed dead. Maura is perplexed she didn’t get to do their trademark tandem “Rizzoli” and “Isles” phone answering routine. Her cell was on silent. Then Jane notices a second coffee mug and assumes it is for her. But alas it’s for Prof. Beard, who is keeping up appearances by pretending to have lost his pants.

Oh, Jane. This is the price you pay for continuing this charade. Sometimes you have to see the beard in a kimono before your first cup of morning coffee. Jane’s face says pretty much all we need to know about her feelings on this situation. Maura scolds Jane for being “a little terse” with Prof. Beard. She replies that, “Men in kimonos make me uncomfortable.” Oh, Janie — men in general make you uncomfortable. Maura corrects her as such, but in a secret girlfriend code which sounds to the outsider like she is correcting Jane’s grammatical use of the word “kimono.”

Jane and Maura arrive at the doomed woman’s place, when Jane realizes the beard mentioned something about an “Allie.” She inquires because Maura’s business is her business, especially any business involving a dude in a kimono. Allie is Jack’s seventh-grade daughter, who is going to shadow Maura for a school project.

This worried Jane because the girl might get bored. Yes, yes — we can all read between the lines. “Bored” means “major boundary issues.” Since when are they meeting the offspring of beards? Maura says she’ll just “vamp” if things get boring/boundary crossing by talking about things that interested her at that age. You know, favorite childhood books and/or the anti-microbial properties of common foods.

Jane gives her girlfriend the, “I love you, you incredible nerd” face and hopes Maura goes the Anne of Green Gables route instead of the broccoli route. Also, all of a sudden I’m envisioning little Jane Rizzoli reading all about Anne Shirley and it is filling my heart with so much joy.

Jane surveys the victim’s apartment and knows immediately the woman is in her twenties. It was the “Starry Night” poster that tipped her off. She complains about the law that says all first apartments must be decorated with the same five posters. And then she bets Maura $20 that the accompanying poster in the bedroom will be Marilyn Monroe on the subway grate. Maura takes the bet because taste is an individual’s preference based on their specific cultural experience.

Bet made, they storm past Korsak to see who wins. Korsak is always in the middle of dead body flirting. But, unlike Senior Criminalist Susie Chang, he knows better than to interrupt.

Because the two rules of life are never start a land war in Asia and never go against a Rizzoli when $20 is at stake, Jane wins the bet. There’s Ms. Monroe in all her white dress glory. Jane demands Maura, “Pay up, baby!” But Maura replies, with a point of her gloved-finger, “Maybe after.” Flirting over dead bodies is one thing, exchanging sexual favors over them is entirely another thing.

Jane grumbles that she won’t forget and they get to the business of the dead body. Back in the autopsy room, Jane reminds her a debt is owed. Maura is still trying to defend the merits of the victim’s entry-level poster choices. Jane can see it now, Bob Marley mosaics and “Keep Calm and Buy Shoes” plastered across the Isles Estate.

Maura likes the latter, though we all know in the very back of her closet she secretly has one of those kitten hanging on a branch posters emblazoned with the slogan “Hang In There.” She looks at it whenever she needs a little extra encouragement that one day Jane will finally, finally come out of the closet.

The victim has been asphyxiated, and a wine cork stuck down her throat. It’s an exact replica of a murder case in a neighboring county. Only problem: that killer has been convicted and is behind bars. So, copycat or wrong guy?

The original doer dated the victim and the cork was a way to shut her up after they broke up. Wow, way to be a misogynistic pig telling a woman to quite literally put a cork in it, dude. The new victim has a secret boyfriend she called “The Package.” Poor Jane, so much discussion of men and their packages today. She takes her displaced frustration out on the victim’s rhinestoned cellphone case. She declares it as if “Hello Kitty threw up on My Little Pony.” But then Nina flips over her phone to show similar bling. See Jane run. See Jane back peddle. Back peddle, Jane. Back peddle.

Maura arrives at the Dirty Robber, where she is meeting Mama Rizzoli for lunch. She runs into Korsak first who asks her cryptically what she thinks about the restaurant. Hey, is Korsak gonna buy the joint? That would be one way to keep him on the show after he retires. But before we can find out Angela whisks Maura away with a stern, “We need to talk.”

Jane is already at the table, “under protest.” Holy shit, are we finally going to get the coming out intervention we’ve all been waiting for for five seasons? Is this the moment? But no, it’s not the moment. It’s a moment for Mama R to grill Maura on meeting Allie. See, everyone thinks it’s weird she is meeting the beard’s kid.

Jane apologizes under her breathe to Maura for telling her mom and setting the intervention in motion. Ladies, how many times have you done the exact same thing to your girlfriend when confronted with an accidental mother-in-law ambush? Exactly.

Mama R asks Maura’s thoughts on Pretty Little Liars. This is what happens when #BooRadleyVanCullen invades your #Gayzzoli. Maura responds it’s not good to lie whether you’re pretty or little and then beams with pride. Oh, girl, you have been missing out. Good thing you can read Heather’s fabulous recaps to catch up.

Maura also doesn’t know who Lady Antebellum or Lady Gaga are, which gets a glare from Jane because even if they aren’t out and proud at bare minimum they should know who Our Lady of Gaga, Patron Saint of The Gay is. Well, at least she knows Lady and the Tramp. I’m now imagining Jane and Maura recreating the spaghetti eating scene and I’m filled with joy again.

Mama R shoves a stack of teen magazines at Maura and tells her to start studying. If she doesn’t know the difference between JLo, CeeLo and LMFAO she’s probably screwed. That’s our little pop culture deer in headlights.

Through the wonders of the Magic Enhance Computer Button, Jane & Co. zoom into some security footage and find out that the victim was texting the prosecutor of the previous cork killer case. So “The Package” is actually “The Prosecutor.” Cue dun-dun-dun sound. p.s. Man, I wish I had a Magic Enhance Computer Button that would help me write recaps. I’d get so much more sleep.

Jane is gung ho to question the lying, cheating married prosecutor, but Korsak advises a more cautious approach. He’s worried about Jane’s ability to control her face, which may be my most favorite thing any character besides Maura has ever said to Jane. Never mind the faces of Eve. I’d much rather watch the faces of Rizzoli.

While Jane tries in vain to control her face, Maura is brushing up on her teenage curriculum. She runs into some texting tweens at a snack cart and tries to engage. Do not engage, never engage. But it’s too late, she is talking to them about their ringtones (You know, that Katy Perry “Goodbye to the tiger” song) and they throw massive shade her way. Maura, honey — never snap your fingers and sing in front of tweens. It only shows your weakness and they will pounce on you like lions on a wounded gazelle.

She then asks them about their interaction for part of her field research. They rate her performance “too close” and “too needy.” Also, has no one ever heard of stranger danger? Not for the kids, but for Maura. Because that was brutal.

Slightly less brutal is the grilling Jane and Korsak give the Package Prosecutor. Also, isn’t that a perfect name for one of those B-movie girls in prison lezsploitation flicks? The Package Prosecutor (Jamie Bamber from Battlestar Galactica fame) admits to a relationship with the victim and being with her the night she died. He then turns on the waterworks, which does not impress Jane one tiny bit. Nor does his clichéd request to leave his wife out of the investigation.

Jane goes down to see Maura and rant a little about cheating. See, our girl was jealous about that for-show display with Prof. Beard after all. Maura changes the subject quickly back to the case because it’s exhausting explaining to Jane that she is doing this whole thing because of Jane’s need to hide their relationship in the first place — again. The case proves much less frustrating as the Package Prosecutor’s hair was found in the tub drain and fingerprint was found on the underside of the toilet handle. But he told them he had never been at her place. Cue more dun-dun-dun sounds.

Still Maura has more important things to worry about than a lying, cheating Package Prosecutor. She has a tween girl headed to her office with possibly murderous intent. Allie walks in and stares at Maura’s tribal masks. Oh no, is this the start of the tweenpocalypse? Is Maura dead in the pop culture water? Not a chance. Allie turns out to be a mini-Maura and goes on about conceptual personhood and cultural spiritualism. Now cue audible sigh of relief sounds from Maura.

Hey, since Jane isn’t having a baby anymore can Maura and her adopt this kid? But ditch the dad, of course. They bond over how much cooler they both are than Prof. Beard and it’s all smiles and giggles and the scientific properties of rainbows between those two.

Jane and Korsak go to see the Package Prosecutor in lock up. He has been beaten up by the other inmates, which Jane does not take kindly to. Nor does she enjoy the prison guard’s blasé attitude about said beating. Pissed-off, bossy Rizzoli continues to be one of my favorite Faces of Rizzoli.

Package Prosecutor insists he is innocent and the killer is still out there. Jane remains unconvinced, but is also starting to crack a little. In fact, she has developed a downright soft spot for the lying, cheating guy because she sneaks him out the back entrance instead of feeding him to the waiting press.

But, not before she grills him on how much he really loved the victim. Favorite color. Favorite food. And he passes. He says glumly that, “Maybe love always ends with someone getting hurt.” Jane sighs and says, “God, I hope not.” He replies, “Me too, for your sake anyway.” Hey, show, even your murder suspect sees the subtext.

His very thinly veiled words get to Jane, who starts to question the case even more. He loved the victim, and suddenly it “doesn’t feel right.” Her gut is telling her there is reasonable doubt. Gut or heart, Jane? It takes guts to show your heart, I do know that. *cough, come out already, cough*

While one case opens up, another one closes. Maura has been deemed the definition of cool. Prof. Beard arrives after the visit to check in. But instead of seeming pleased he asks Maura if she gave Allie lipstick. Maura admits to letting her try on lip gloss, even though her mother doesn’t allow her to wear makeup. This is the moment when every lesbian watching says a secret prayer that this will be the dealbreaker. Please, Lesbian Jesus, in a perfectly ironic twist let lipstick be their undoing. PLEASE.

Cue wah-wah-wahhhh sound, because instead of breaking it off Prof. Beard thanks Maura (with his face) for solving the parenting riddle of what was bothering his tween daughter. OK, so he is a bad parent and a bad kisser. You know, I really like Enver Gjokaj as an actor. But I really, really, really like that he got cast in another show. I hope it keeps him busy. So busy.

The team go over the evidence in the case together again and Jane notices something weird about the flusher. Always the plumber’s daughter, she uses a wrench to examine the handle and notes that it doesn’t go with the toilet. Thank heavens they followed up Maura and Jack’s unpleasantness with a scene of Jane using tools. We needed the palate cleanser desperately. Now if we could just flush the whole Jack storyline entirely.

New evidence in hand, Jane now believes the Package Prosecutor has been set up. They go to talk with him, but find only his frantic wife. She plays an ominous sounding voicemail for them. He apparently is going to attempt suicide.

Nina has analyzed the voicemail ambient noise with her Magic Enhance Computer Button. She runs down to Maura’s office with the recording because, duh, that’s where Jane always is. They hear planes, gunfire and bridge noises. Sounds like a party, where do I sign up?

Jane pinpoints the location immediately because her whole brain is a Magical Enhance Computer Button when it comes to crime. She starts to run off, but Maura says she isn’t going alone. She grabs her coat and says, “Then it’s you and me.” RIZZLES4LYFE, y’all.

The look on Nina’s face is priceless. It’s like, “Oh shit, these two ladies are totally in love.”

Jane and Maura pull up to the bridge and see Package Prosecutor’s car. I’d also like to note that it’s fully dark out now. When they spoke with the wife it was totally bright out. How long has this dude been standing on that bridge? How long has his car been blocking the bridge and no one noticed?

Jane tells Maura to stay back to not spook him. She says he isn’t bluffing. Are we sure? Have I mentioned how long he has been standing there? Jane finds him and tries to coax him off. She crawls over the guardrail to get closer, prompting a panicky “Jane, don’t” from Maura. That poor woman. Loving Det. Jane Rizzoli can’t be easy.

Because you just can’t stop Super Jane. She is faster than a speeding bullet to the stomach. Twice. Stronger than a serial killer. Twice. She tells the Package Prosecutor to think of the victim, and how much he loved her. And how she deserves justice. He agrees, and turns to climb off. But then, of course, slips and falls into the water.

So what does Jane do? She jumps in right after him. Maura runs over to the bridge’s edge and wails Jane’s name. It is terror and heartbreak and horror all wrapped into one. But there are only bubbles and ripples and a “To Be Continued…” in reply.

I’d cue the dun-dun-dun noise one last time, but we all know Jane is going to emerge from the water safely because Korsak & Isles just doesn’t have the same ring to it. See you in February, folks. Thanks for hanging with me on our inaugural Summer of Nash. Overall, I’d say she didn’t do too bad. I mean, Jack has to hit the road immediately, but otherwise the Gayzzoli is strong with that one.

And now, onto your #Gayzzoli tweets of the week. I made an extra-long edition for the summer finale as thanks for letting me post the recap late.

Extra Special Bonus Stealth Rizzles Tweet:

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